pinna storm

First, you’ve got some pretty cool parents. Not only are they both badass in their own right, but they’ve earned much respect as a duo for the admirable course their relationship took: couplehood-marriage-split-counseling-reconciliation-pregnancy. You know, ACTING LIKE ADULTS. It’s not the way of most people, let alone pop stars, let me tell you.

Your childhood will be full of gay uncles and athletics. You won’t be afraid to get dirty, which will help you as you grow older. There will be no heels at the beach; in fact, I’m sure you’ll have baby abs and calloused feet before your bare tootsies even hit the sand. This bodes well for the rest of your life, as the American public will see you as unpretentious and down to earth. Your style and demeanor will be championed on ladyblogs everywhere.

Soon you may reject the hippie sentiment behind your first two names and opt for a sunny nickname stylized by punctuation. S@ge? H<3rt? Or maybe Marcella Wallace, a nod to your favorite character from a Tarantino movie. If you wish to use your mother’s connections to get ahead, may I suggest the following routes: a) her opening slot on Justin Timberlake’s FutureSex/LoveShow b) inclusion in Indie.Arie’s song “I Am Not My Hair” for a Lifetime breast cancer movie c) Guest appearance on Annie Lennox album d) Gift of the song “Feel Good Time” from Beck. Avoid associations with: a) the “Lady Marmalade” cover b) 2005 collaboration with Lisa Marie Presley.

Embrace that inevitably large crowd of gay uncles. Don’t feel pressured to get into the motocross “scene.” And girl, you’d be dumb if you didn’t demand your mother show you how to do this immediately. You are bound to rule it. Congratulations, Pink and Corey Hart!